Finding the Glow of Goodness: How to See It in Your Kids (and Yourself) Even on the Hardest Days

Introduction

It was one of those days. The kind where every little thing goes wrong. The baby’s whiney, the older kids are fighting, and I’ve already reheated my coffee three times. Then, it happens — I snap. My voice gets loud, maybe a little too loud, and suddenly guilt floods in. I’m left thinking, Why can’t I just keep it together?

If you’re raising a neurodivergent child, that guilt can hit even harder. You’re not just worried about "losing your cool" — you’re questioning if you’re handling your child’s unique needs the "right" way. You’re reminded that some of your child’s behaviors aren’t fully within their control, yet the frustration still bubbles up. The guilt of knowing that they’re struggling too can weigh heavy. You wonder if you’re patient enough, kind enough, or just "enough" at all.

I am writing this to remind myself and you (if you need to hear this) that to find that we can find that glow of goodness—both in yourself and in our kids. No matter how messy it gets, the light inside us and our children never stops shining.

Why We Forget Our Goodness

We live in a world where “being good” is often tied to what we do rather than who we are. For parents, the expectations are sky-high. Be patient. Be kind. Never lose your temper. Raise polite, well-behaved kids, that never throw a tantrum in the grocery store.

If you’re a parent of a neurodivergent child, you’re familiar with how unrealistic those expectations are. Sensory overload, emotional regulation struggles, and unexpected meltdowns are part of daily life. The "perfect parent" image is not just unrealistic — it’s unattainable.

And that’s where the guilt creeps in. You’re not just trying to meet typical parenting standards — you’re managing an entirely different playbook. It’s easy to feel like we’re failing when the world’s definition of "good parenting" doesn’t apply to our reality.

But here’s the thing — we’re human. And kids? They’re human too. We’re not perfect, and we’re not supposed to be. When we or our kids fall short of those perfectionist ideals, it’s easy to feel like we’re “bad” or “failing.” But what if we shifted the question? Instead of asking “Why can’t they just be good?” what if we asked: “How can I help them find their goodness again?” Because, just like us, our child’s goodness never goes away. Sometimes, it just gets covered up.

What It Means to Be Good Inside

At the heart of this idea is a beautiful truth: We are all good inside.

This concept comes from Dr. Becky Kennedy, a parenting expert and author of Good Inside. Her philosophy is simple but powerful — our child’s behavior doesn’t define their goodness. Even when they’re yelling, hitting, or pushing boundaries, they are still good inside. Their behavior might be off-track, but their core is not.

The same is true for us parents. We’re good parents even when we’re struggling. Just like a glowing ember hidden under ashes, our goodness is still there. It’s not gone — it’s just waiting to be seen.

Metaphor Alert! Imagine that every person’s goodness is a glowing light inside them. Sometimes, when we’re stressed, tired, or overwhelmed, the light gets dim or hidden behind "clouds" of frustration or shame. But it’s never gone. Our job is to clear away those clouds so we can see the light again — in ourselves and in our kids.

How to See the Goodness in Your Child (Even During a Meltdown)

When our neurodivergent child is in full meltdown mode, it’s hard to see their goodness. They’re screaming, throwing things, and you’re on the edge of your patience. Here’s how to shift your perspective and see the light inside them.

1. Shift Your Perspective

When kids act out, it’s easy to label them as “bad” or “naughty.” Instead, try seeing their behavior as a sign of struggle. Ask yourself: What is my child trying to communicate? Often, "bad" behavior is really just an unmet need.

2. Name the Goodness

When your child is struggling, tell them: "I know you’re a kind person inside." This simple phrase reminds them of their core identity. They’re not a "bad kid" — they’re a good kid having a hard time.

3. Connect Before You Correct

Before jumping to discipline, try connecting. A hug, a calm voice, or sitting next to them lets them know you’re there for them. When kids feel safe, their "goodness glow" is easier to find.

4. Notice and Name Their Wins

If your child helps their sibling or picks up their toys, name it out loud: "That was so thoughtful of you to help your brother." Kids are more likely to act from their goodness when they’re reminded of it.

How to See the Goodness in Yourself as a Parent

Sometimes it’s easier to believe our kids are good inside than it is to believe that we are. Here’s how to shift that mindset.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

When you’re having a hard moment, repeat this to yourself: "I’m a good parent who’s having a hard moment." Compassion softens self-criticism. You’re not a bad parent — you’re a human parent.

2. Reframe Mistakes as Repair Opportunities

Yelling at your kids doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It’s an opportunity to show them what repair looks like. Say, "I’m sorry I yelled. I’m a good person who forgot for a minute." Kids learn that making mistakes doesn’t erase your goodness.

3. Keep Track of the Wins

Every night, write down three small moments you acted from your goodness. Maybe it’s the hug you gave your child, the patience you showed during a tantrum or the way you tried again after a rough moment. These wins add up.

Conclusion: Your Glow Never Leaves You

Even on the hardest days, your goodness is still there. So is your child’s. It’s not something you need to "earn" — it’s something you already have. Our only job is to clear away the clouds that cover it.

So today, let's give ourselves a little grace. Take a deep breath. Name our wins. And if you’re ever in doubt, remember this: Your glow of goodness is always inside you — and it’s always inside your kids too.