Is It ADHD or Just Bad Behavior?

(Asking for a friend... who is me.)

Let’s be honest—there are moments when parenting a neurodivergent kid can feel like starring in a reality show called “What Fresh Hell is This?” One minute you’re vibing with coffee and calm(ish), and the next you’re dragging a screaming child out of Target because they got the “wrong” blue.

Naturally, the question creeps in: Is this ADHD, or is my kid just acting like a little punk?

I used to spiral about this constantly—especially when strangers or relatives would shoot that look, the one that says, “You clearly don’t discipline your child enough. ”Spoiler: I do. I’ve tried consequences, charts, talks, bribes, prayer… you name it. But for my oldest son, nothing “typical” seemed to work. That’s when I had to stop asking if he was being bad and start asking what his brain was really up to.

ADHD Isn’t Bad Behavior—It Just Looks Like It

So let’s get this out of the way: ADHD is not a behavior problem. It’s a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects the way a child’s brain regulates attention, emotion, and behavior. The result? Outbursts, forgetfulness, impulse control issues, hyperactivity, meltdowns… all the greatest hits.

But here’s the catch: To the outside world (and even to us exhausted parents), it looks like bad behavior.

Your kid might:

• Interrupt 17 times while you’re on the phone

• Ignore instructions like you’re speaking Klingon

• Get up and walk around during dinner or math homework

• Collapse into screaming over a sock seam or the wrong color spoon

  
  

And yep, these behaviors are frustrating. But they often come from an inability to regulate, not a refusal to cooperate. ADHD kids aren’t trying to be difficult. They’re doing the best they can with a brain that’s wired differently.

🧠 According to Barkley (2015), one of the leading ADHD researchers, ADHD is less about attention and more about a developmental delay in executive functioning—things like working memory, impulse control, and emotional regulation.

They want to be good. Their brain just doesn’t always let them.

But… They Know Better! So Why Don’t They DO Better?

Ah yes, the classic conundrum.

You’ve probably heard that phrase: “They know better, they just don’t do better.” And that, right there, is the core of ADHD.

This disconnect isn’t laziness. It’s neurology. The ADHD brain struggles with the “do” part—even if the “know” part is strong.

🧠 Executive functioning skills (the CEO of the brain) help with things like:

• Starting tasks

• Remembering multi-step directions

• Stopping when someone says “no”

• Regulating feelings before they explode

  
  

Kids with ADHD are developmentally about 30% behind their peers in these areas (Barkley, 2015). So your 8-year-old might function more like a 5-year-old emotionally and behaviorally—on a good day.

The Dopamine Deficit: What ADHD Brains Are Missing

Let’s nerd out for a second because this part blew my mind.

ADHD brains don’t produce or regulate dopamine efficiently. Dopamine is the chemical in our brains that helps with motivation, focus, and reward processing. In the ADHD brain, the dopamine system is kind of like a sad vending machine—press the button, and nothing comes out.

So what do ADHD brains do to compensate? They chase stimulation.

That means:

• Seeking out movement or noise

• Taking risks

• Clicking between 47 tabs on their Chromebook

• Talking nonstop even after being told to stop

  
  

🧠 According to Volkow et al. (2009), children with ADHD have reduced dopamine transporter density, which affects their ability to stay motivated, feel satisfied, and regulate impulses.

Basically, the ADHD brain is hungry for novelty and stimulation. This is not willful misbehavior—it’s survival mode for a brain trying to feel “normal.”

But They Can Behave at School!

Ah, the infamous “angel at school, beast at home” dynamic. If you’ve experienced this, you are not alone—and you’re not being manipulated.

This is called masking or situational compliance. Your child is holding it together at school where there are rules, expectations, and peer pressure—and then completely unravels at home, where it feels safe to let go.

Home is the soft place to fall. Unfortunately, you’re also the crash pad.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’ve created an environment where your child doesn’t have to mask. But that kind of pressure during the day builds up like steam in a pressure cooker. The moment the lid comes off (i.e., they walk in the front door), BOOM.

How to Tell if It’s ADHD (Not Just Being Difficult)

Let’s do a little side-by-side, shall we?

“Bad Behavior”	Possible ADHD Symptom
Doesn’t listen or follow directions	Working memory impairment
Can’t sit still	Hyperactivity and self-regulation issues
Blurts things out	Impulse control deficits
Mood swings or “overreacting”	Emotional dysregulation
Always loses things or forgets assignments	Executive dysfunction
Won’t finish tasks	Difficulty with sustained attention

If this pattern happens across settings (not just when they’re tired, hungry, or testing limits), it might be more than a behavior phase.

📌 Pro tip: Start tracking behaviors, time of day, triggers, and patterns. It helps you decide if you should talk to your pediatrician, a child psychologist, or an OT.

What Parents Can Do (Besides Cry in the Bathroom)

1. Change the Question.

   Instead of “Why is he doing this?” try “What is he trying to tell me with this behavior?”

   
   

2. Use Scaffolded Support.

   That means building external structures until they develop internal ones. Think visuals, reminders, short routines, calm-down corners, etc.

   
   

3. Nurture the Nervous System.

   Sensory activities, movement breaks, and good nutrition can help regulate an overwhelmed ADHD body.

   
   

4. Focus on Connection Over Correction.

   Your kid will grow more with understanding than with shame. That doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. It means you’re a safe place with boundaries.

   
   

5. Get Professional Support When You’re Ready.

   Therapists, coaches, OTs, and doctors can be amazing partners in this journey. You don’t have to do it alone.

   
   

Final Thoughts from One Feral-Kid Mom to Another

Here’s what I want to say loud and clear: You’re not failing. Your kid’s not broken. You’re not imagining the struggle.

Parenting a neurodivergent child is a wild, messy, beautiful ride. It forces you to rethink everything you thought you knew about “normal,” “discipline,” and “success.”

So is it ADHD or bad behavior?

Maybe it’s both. But either way, you’re the right parent for this child. And that counts for everything.

💬 Need a little help or just want to know you’re not losing your mind?

If this post hit home and you’re thinking, “Okay, but now what?”—you don’t have to figure it all out alone. I’ve got a book called Positive Parenting for Kids with ADHD that’s packed with real-life tools, and I also offer 1:1 coaching for moms who are in the thick of it and want to actually enjoy their parenting life again.

👉 Just shoot me a message if you want to chat about what’s going on at home and I will get you more information about how I can help.

And hey—if you’re not ready for coaching yet, totally cool. Stick around and follow the blog. I write about all the things I wish someone had told me when I was knee-deep in sock meltdowns and mystery behaviors.

We’re in this together. ❤️

References:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Barkley, R. A. (2015). Taking charge of ADHD: The complete, authoritative guide for parents (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). What is ADHD? https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/facts.html

Maté, G. (2011). Scattered minds: A new look at the origins and healing of attention deficit disorder. Vintage Canada.

Miller, L. J., Anzalone, M. E., Lane, S. J., Cermak, S. A., & Osten, E. T. (2007). Concept evolution in sensory integration: A proposed nosology for diagnosis. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 61(2), 135–140. https://doi.org/10.5014/ajot.61.2.135

Volkow, N. D., Wang, G.-J., Kollins, S. H., Wigal, T. L., Newcorn, J. H., Telang, F., ... & Swanson, J. M. (2009). Evaluating dopamine reward pathway in ADHD: Clinical implications. JAMA, 302(10), 1084–1091. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2009.1308